Love is about giving oneself to another person… Right? I’ve been struggling with this for quite some time now — sampling the ins and outs of relationships, putting myself into many predicaments and finally, as the summer is at its mid stance and I am preparing for my next big move — still, I am stuck. I walked the streets of Manhattan earlier tonight, by myself, tears in my eyes, feeling lost and confused and I was trying to figure out just what it is that I am looking for or what is it that I want. But I then told myself, what the heck, ‘I finally found something worth my time and days later, I’m back to my old self, thinking I don’t need anyone to make me happy, but contradict myself night after night, flirting, talking and connecting with guys to make me feel better. And when I actually find something that I feel could be something more, I freeze up and can’t go any further, and then I’m afraid again, and think is this really it? Do I deserve this? Am I ready to be committed again?’ All this makes me want to blow my head. It’s as if I am constantly in a lab, experimenting and finding a formula that works.
Right now, I lay here in my hotel room on 99th and Broadway where prior to logging on here to write, I’ve managed to distract these thoughts with endless videos. I laughed a lot by myself and it gave me a chance to get away from people.
But I won’t sleep until I lay this down in writing so that maybe it will make sense to me when I digest it in bed. I’ve thought to myself, have I been selfish? And the answer I feel is yes. Just how long will I be running around like a mad man around the city trying to find whatever the hell it is I’m looking for, when really, it’s probably right in front of me (it’s even a phone call away). I think the thought of being alone in NYC, a city bigger than any place I’ve ever lived in, has clouded my mind, and it has caused me to doubt and be scared. I want so much. I ask for so much. Maybe it’s time to stop that and just be.
What difference a day makes. Getting back in town has brought me back to my comfort zone. Shit, NY is overwhelming, it consumed me and made me feel lost for a few days. This recent trip was to apartment hunt which ended up being a huge sweaty learning experience, but what came out was finding residency in Upper West Side in an amazing neighborhood that I will call home for the next year. And now being back in Cali will give me the next few weeks to prepare for the move and finish up all the things I wanted to do this summer. I think I needed this bad NYC trip to help me prepare for next month. As you can see, I write a lot about how moving away has affected me — I struggle to leave and miss my family, relationships dangle me on strings, the excitement and fear of going to school and the idea of living on my own for the first time in a costly and bustling city that is New York. It’s all coming to fruition, but I am not ready for summer to be over just yet. So many people to see again, so many trips I still wanna make and quality time to be spent. Let’s do this.
In 2008, the estimated average rate of increase for the human population was 1.16 percent per year. As long as birth rates continue to exceed death rates, annual additions will drive a larger absolute increase each year into the foreseeable future.
Although many people enjoy abundant resources, about a fifth of the human population lives in severe poverty, and more than 800 million are malnourished. More than 1 billion people lack access to clean drinking water. More than 2 billion people face a shortage in fuelwood, which they depend on to heat their homes and cook their food. Rising populations will only increase pressure on limited resources.
In the movie Sideways, the advice given to Miles, a character who has been holding on to a 1961 Château Cheval Blanc bottle so long that it is in danger of going bad — when Miles says he is waiting for a special occasion, his friend Maya puts matters in perspective:
“The day you open a ’61 Cheval Blanc, that’s the special occasion.”